Seven Critical Mistakes Working Women Make, Part I

Iris Benrubi

Recently Lisa, a coaching client said to me:

“Iris, they lied to me. They said I could have it all. They said I could have my family, work outside the home and be able to take care of it all. They lied.”

If you are like most women, you feel the pressure of “having it all.” As much as the “working woman” is not a new phenomenon to us, this model has only been around for a couple of generations. “Women in the work force” is a fairly current shift in society that became popular during the Second World War when there was a shortage of men. Women whose only option had been to take care of the family were elated at finally having the ability and opportunity to work outside the home and earn money. The problem that followed this shift was that they did not have a wife who could take over their duties at home. Women now faced the expectation of handling both the demands of work and the demands of maintaining their home and nurturing their family. What was once handled by two people was now being handled by one.

Whether you are working in your home office or off site, working for someone else or for yourself, are single or have children, you are bombarded daily with messages of how you should cope. If you look at the messages on the radio, television or the written medium, you are continually fed ideas that tell you:

To be happy with having the “opportunity” to work

What you should enjoy

What you should look like

What you should own

Never have we as women been so inundated with messages that we should be able to deal with life’s demands like June Cleaver and look like America’s next top model. But television’s role models are often unrealistic and lead us to believe that we can have it all and if we don’t have it all then there is something wrong with us. I want to share with you the 7 critical mistakes working women make in their quest for having it all, thereby throwing their lives out of balance.

1. Refusing to ask for and receive help!

The first and probably the most significant element to having a life in balance is being able to ask for and receive help. Most women feel they have to do it alone. My clients often tell me that asking for help makes them feel vulnerable and weak – as though something is wrong with them for needing or wanting help. My answer to that is that the ability to ask for help is actually a sign of strength and courage. It takes a strong woman to ask for what she wants. I want you to look at some of the following areas of your life and see how much you take on by yourself:

• Family functions – do you do it all? Make all the food? Plan the whole thing?
• Home maintenance – do you do all the cooking? Grocery shopping? Cleaning? Driving the kids to their activities? Paying the bills? Organizing the carpet cleaner or the furnace maintenance company? Social engagements?
• Care of parents – do you do it all? Do you have siblings who expect you to handle it? Do you usually dismiss calling them to ask for help? Do you do more than you have to for your parents? Do you feel guilty if you don’t do everything for them?
• Business Commitments – do you ask for what you need or do you pretend you know it all and are fine handling it?

2. Not being able to say “NO!”

In my coaching practice, women report that one of the most difficult skills is being able to say “no.”  It seems that saying “no” is like speaking a foreign language. Most often when I talk with my clients about saying “no,” they say they are riddled with guilt if they don’t say ‘yes’. I have to admit that although saying “no” is powerful, it does come with consequences. You get to decide whether you are willing to deal with the consequences. Most often, women fear that they won’t be liked if they say “no”. They fear that saying “no” will also mean they are weak, so they end up taking it all on, feeling overwhelmed and resentful and wondering what is wrong with them that they can’t seem to manage. Just like the adage ‘pick your battles’, you need to ‘pick your priorities’. You are the only one who gets to consciously choose where you are going to invest your energy and where you won’t. There will be some areas where you are not willing to say “no” yet, and that is ok. Pick an area that is easier for you to say “no” to, such as:

• Parent duty at your child’s school
• Planning someone’s retirement party at work
• Being on a committee or a board
• Planning the street garage sale
• Planning the family Thanksgiving dinner
• Organizing your friend’s 50th birthday party

If we look at it honestly, we all want to be able to do something special and contribute to the people around us. It makes us feel good and valuable, but when you say “yes” all the time, you end up feeling drained and resentful. I want you to know that by saying “no”, you get to save your energy, and ultimately your love, for the people and activities that are really important to you. Instead of being someone who is exhausted and resentful, you will be able to do for and give to these people in your life from a place of love and compassion because you have set some healthy limits in your life.

Iris Benrubi is a Business and Life Coach who specializes in working with Women Entrepreneurs.  To contact Iris, please e-mail her at iris(at)simplysuccess(dot)ca or call 905-709-8185.

NOTE: Part II of Seven Critical Mistakes will be published in a future issue of Prospere Magazine