Minding Your Manners

Kyle Bernstein

Perhaps the mere sound of the word suggests elitism, elegance, and maybe even antiquity.  However, “etiquette” is simply another word for manners and it applies to all of us.  Webster’s New World Dictionary describes minding your manners as “observing proper behavior in social situations”.  Of course, what can be construed as “proper” may be extremely subjective.  Often times, we discover that an innocuous action or phrase taken out of context has been perceived as rude or thoughtless when in fact it was not taken as intended.   Humans are, by nature, sensitive and self-involved and are conditioned to be concerned primarily with what something means to us personally or how it will affect us.  Therefore, etiquette sets guidelines based on consideration, respect, and honesty, to help us get along as a civilization.  Our parents and teachers are responsible for teaching us how to behave in social situations and, from a very early age, do their best to instill in each of us a disposition to do and say what is right in the existing culture.  However, there are no hard and fast rules and “appropriate” can rest in a very gray area.  Additionally, as we are dedicated foremost to self-preservation, we may often act in ways that benefit us without considering the consequences to others.  It’s also common to become lax and overly familiar with individuals we frequently come into contact with.  A lapse in manners may also result from having a bad day and not feeling like being nice.  Perhaps you feel like you’ve been mistreated and believe you shouldn’t bother to put on pretense when it appears that no one else cares to.  As etiquette shapes us individually and as a society, it’s important to remember that what goes around most certainly comes around and as a friend once eloquently put it “karma is a boomerang”.  It’s important to be an individual and while the idea of “dancing like nobody’s watching” is quite romantic, if you instead dance like everyone is watching, you may become a better dancer.  Well, at least you won’t bump into as many other dancers, causing embarrassment and having to apologize or pay their medical bills.  Etiquette is simply an outline for actions that will help us function as members of an equitable society. 

Let’s start by reminding ourselves of some general guidelines on how to play nice:

Be pleasant.  It sounds so obvious and simple, maybe even a bit corny, but in actuality, being polite and friendly is the foundation of good manners.  Exhibiting a positive outlook and a warm smile gives people the impression that you are approachable and encourages them to treat you in a similar manner.  Just as a nasty barista can ruin your entire day, a flash of a grin can also foster a chain reaction which could potentially make the day that much more tolerable for yourself and those around you.

Be aware of your surroundings. North American culture is based on the concept of Social Cooperation. 

This is the idea that a certain amount for compromise is necessary in obtaining our individual goals.

Simply put, just as one must look both ways before crossing the street or yield to oncoming traffic, we all must maneuver our physical as well as our metaphorical actions around those other bodies already in motion.

When going through a doorway, the polite execution would be to look behind you and hold the door for the next person as opposed to letting it slam in their face.  In the office, awareness comes from knowing the other players and what their jobs are as well as being a good listener.

Think before you speak.  We live in the day of zingers, jabs, and snark.  It’s easy to reply to just about anything another person says with a sarcastic quip.  It’s a mainstay of television sitcoms and has become increasingly popular on blogs and in conversation as well.  People who do this may think they are being witty and entertaining, which may sometimes be the case.   However, it’s important to know your audience.  Many languages have variations on words and phrases which depend upon who you’re speaking with, such as proper versus familiar.

Although we don’t make such distinctions in North American English, it’s always wise to be a bit more polite and careful in choosing your words when speaking with a person in a position of authority such as the clergy or your boss.  Additionally, it’s imperative to base your speech on the topic at hand and the information you believe the person you’re speaking with is seeking.

Speak when spoken to.  In an office environment, especially in these days of short-staffing and reduced hours with the same amount of work being generated, it is realistic that we become so industrious that we barely feel we have time to look up from our computers, even when approached by the boss.  The “I can’t see you because I’m too busy” trick is also a clever yet transparent tactic to appear hard-working in hopes that the higher-ups will think we can’t possibly take on another task.  Perhaps the person approaching you is going to ask you for something you feel unable to give or you just don’t want to talk to them.  Unfortunately, speaking with people you don’t like and engaging in conversations about possibly unpleasant things is part of being an adult.  Stop what you’re doing – at the end of the call you’re on or the sentence you’re typing – and say hello.  Spread the congeniality and contribute to a sociable workplace.  Then, listen to what the person has to say or arrange with them a more convenient time to do so.  Read your emails and respond to them.  If you receive a message that is lengthy and think you’re not going to have time to read the whole thing or an email that demands a researched response, immediately send back a quick note saying you received it and give a time frame of when you will devote your attention to reading it and giving it the consideration it deserves.  Listen to your voicemails – the entire message – and take action as soon as possible, but no later than 24 hours.

Act appropriately.  This can be a tall order as what is proper can vary from situation to situation.

Nonetheless, you know what you believe to be correct and how you like to be treated, so that’s always a good place to start.  It never hurts to err on the side of caution and gauge the actions of others in proximity in a new situation.

Always remember that your thoughts and actions are a reflection of who you are.  Regardless of the social climate you enter, it is beneficial to act according to your own standards and be true to yourself while showing respect for others.

Be sincere.  Say what you mean, mean what you say, admit when you’re wrong, and if you don’t know, ask.  Doing a job over when you’ve made a mistake or asking for an extension when you feel unable to make a deadline may not feel good, but handling a situation properly will save your credibility.

Say “please” and “thank you”.  It really is a magic word – “please”.  Saying it forces us to pause at the end of demand, which can soften the blow of any request you’re making.  It also shows respect to the person you’re asking and implies that filling this order is optional, yet appreciated.  “Thank you” is positive reinforcement which shows your gratitude to the person granting your wishes and may encourage them to assist you again in the future.

Remember that just because it’s someone’s job to serve you, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be valued.

These standards of social behavior will help you get along better in the workplace and in just about any other situation.   Bear in mind that all actions have consequences and as a member of society, it behooves you to do your best to pass along positive interactions, which will come back to you in your everyday life.

This article is the first of a series.  In future editions, we’ll explore the world of manners and how to navigate other peoples lack thereof.  We’ll further explore some of the ideas touched upon here as well as many other hot topics.

 I’d love to answer your etiquette questions, help you sort out a sticky situation, or share stories of especially good or bad behavior.  Please email me with inquiries or topic suggestions at kylebernstein@gmail.com.