The Mr., Mrs. and Ms.: Cynthia on Traditional Social Correspondence
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Loading ...November 20, 2009 by Admin
Filed under Opinion, Weekly Columns
When I was in high school, a girl in my class complained that she didn’t like how the school addressed mail to her parents. She said that because they were written to Mr. and Mrs. Dad Lastname, that they were ignoring the fact that her mother “existed” as an individual. While she might have a point in this case, the school was not wrong according to every etiquette guide I’ve seen. Traditional “rules” have not changed for women who take their husbands’ last names. It is, If Mary Smith’s husband is John Smith, the envelope is to be addressed to Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. However, if Mary kept her maiden name, then it is Ms. Mary Jones and Mr. John Smith (if Mary hyphenates, then she’s Ms. Mary Jones-Smith).
I find more formal social correspondence rules in the English speaking world interesting. Sure, Mary would likely be called Mrs. Mary Smith if the envelope is addressed to her and not her husband, but despite all the progress women have made in the past few decades, any mail addressed to the Smiths as a couple would default to Mr. and Mrs. John Smith. So what does this mean? Should we make changes now? My answer is, it depends. For more formal correspondence (weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, etc…), I would keep with tradition, especially if the couple in question is older. For other purposes, especially if the woman is the only one receiving correspondence, then it is fine to use her given name. Miss is only used for girls under 18, unless you know for a fact that she is unmarried and comfortable being a “Miss.”
I realize that this will probably upset some people – especially those who consider themselves “progressive.” However, I don’t think addressing a couple by the man’s name only means that his wife doesn’t exist or that she is her husband’s property. In any case, as women living in the English speaking world, we have many more choices than men, or even women in other societies. We can choose to keep our names, change it to match our husband’s or combine the names.
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I forget where I read this but there are certain places where the female name is predominantly used after marriage. Would love to remember where that was but not sure.