Kyle Bernstein

Being a good friend means being an empathetic ear.  Coincidentally, expert and active listeners also make excellent spouses, managers, employees, and relatives.  People that listen well are easy to talk to and put the speaker at ease, making exchanges simpler and more effective.

Listening is a valuable skill we are expected to develop in our youth. It enables us to process and decipher the information we receive and decide what to retain and how to respond.  It is about paying attention and participating, which are the foundation of conversation and good correspondence – or communication – with others.

Good communication is important to relationships.  Having verbal interaction with others is an integral part of what we do as humans.  In our professional lives, we are perpetually transferring information and acting on verbal instructions from others.  Socially, we share personal thoughts and ideas as a way of enthusiastically participating in the lives of our friends and family members.  Being a proficient listener is vital to our growth as individuals  within our unique existence as well as in the world as a whole.  Unfortunately, many of us seem to have forgotten how to effectively listen or carry on a polite and respectful conversation.

Webster’s New World Dictionary defines listening as making a conscious effort to hear.  Actively hearing something being said by another is a way of giving respect to that person and what they are saying.  Although some information, perhaps that of a technical nature, may be harder to understand and process, much of listening is about treating the other person how you would like to be treated and making them feel as though what they have to say is important and they are entitled to say it. 

Having a conversation is not just about waiting for your turn to speak.  A good listener concentrates on what the speaker is saying and takes in the details without immediately focusing on how the content of the dialogue will affect them.  We often listen to a person and assume they are telling us something because their information will impact us in some way.  Alternately, we may guess they are complaining or asking our advice or opinion when that may not be the case.  People wear many hats.  Sometimes, we’re story tellers.  Other times, we may just need to get something off our chest or look to have a chat to take a break from something we’re deeply involved in, but you won’t know what the case is unless you listen.  Interrupting and constantly asking questions is rude and may make the speaker feel as though you want them to race to the point or that you are only interested in the facts and how they relate to you. 

Steps to becoming an adept listener:

Give the speaker your undivided attention.  If that’s not possible, let them know. 

Often times, we are not physically or mentally prepared to take direction or deal with a specific issue.

Giving someone the “heads up” that you are indisposed will give them the option to condense their monologue to include only the most pressing details, or to get back to you then you can give them your full focus.

When you’re ready, stop what you’re doing and face the narrator.  This not only shows you’re listening, but allows you to pick up on non-verbal cues and lets the talker gauge your reactions as well.

Pay attention to the tone of the speaker’s voice and observe their body language.  A panicked tone will tell you something is wrong or if a situation is urgent.  Intonation will indicate if they’re asking for action or answers on your part.  Pauses will give you a clue as to when to reply.  Disclaimers such as “You’ll never believe this story” or “tell me what you think of this” may give you clues about how or weather to respond. 

Take notes.  Perhaps more necessary at work when instructions are being given than during a dinner with friends, jotting down a few notes can help to ensure you remember which clients a new campaign is targeting or what to bring for Sunday dinner.  Reading over your notes later may remind you of questions you hadn’t thought of asking at the time, points the person hadn’t included, or perhaps a fresh perspective to help resolve your friend’s predicament.

Hear them out.  Wait until the person has finished what they set out to tell you.  Most stories will have a specific beginning, middle, and end although sometimes which part is which may not become apparent until the entire tale has been told.  If anything is still unclear at that point, it is then appropriate to ask for more details or pose any lingering questions.

Clarify.  Now is the time to make inquiries or repeat details back to the person to be sure you have understood what’s been said.  If the speaker is asking for advice or suggestions, you now have sufficient information to work out an answer, combining that with your own personal expertise and experiences. 

Following these steps will make any speaker appreciate your time and respect and look forward to your feedback. In return, you can feel good that this person has come to you for your keen ear and good advice.

So listen up.  You might just learn something.

Image © Brad Killer/iStockphoto