Kyle Bernstein

There is an old joke that goes something like this:

Three women are swapping stories about their wonderful husbands.  The first announces that for their first anniversary, her husband took her on a cruise around the world.  One listener “oohs” and “aahs” and the other says:  “Well, that’s nice”.  The second woman brags about how her man bought her a floor-length fur coat as a birthday gift.  Again, one woman is very impressed and the other simply says “Well, that’s nice”.  Finally, the third woman gushes about how her love is so considerate that after they married, he sent her to etiquette lessons. 

The two wealthy women are puzzled.  After a brief pause, woman #3 says: “I used to say “F@%* you”, “but now I say “Well, that’s nice”.

Many people believe it’s their right to say whatever is on their mind and feel free to express themselves in any manner they choose.  To some extent, that is absolutely true.  If a friend has done something hurtful or your boss has put you in a difficult position, it is important to talk to that person to resolve the issue, and sometimes, the “f” word is the perfect punctuation to a sentence.  At the same time, being judicious and choosing your words carefully when necessary can allow all parties to retain their dignity no matter what the issue.

Diplomacy is literally defined as using discretion in conducting relations between nations.  But for those of us not in government, it merely means using tact to find acceptable solutions and being adroit in dealing with others.  Contrary to what you may think, it’s not about playing politics, skirting issues, or putting a spin on the truth.  Diplomacy in daily interactions is about making your self look good without having to make someone else look bad in the process.  Specifically for women in the workplace, asserting yourself without naming names or dishing dirt can set us apart and help stifle the stereotype of cattiness that labels us “the B word”.

Putting your emotions and personal feelings aside is at the core of diplomacy.  It’s as simple as thinking before you speak, keeping your feelings in check, and considering the consequences of your words.  Selecting the appropriate words is crucial to being diplomatic.   Instead of “I feel” or “I think”, you can still be unbiased and show self-confidence by replacing “I think” or “I want” with phrases such as “It is my understanding” or “it would be in our best interest…”.  Showing that you are a team player and that achieving the goals of the organization is your priority will garner more respect and results.  You may have ulterior motives.  You may want to get others involved in a situation to lessen your burden.  You may want to work on a project yourself to get in the running for a promotion.  You’re human.  Self-interest and self-preservation are inherently imbedded in our consciousness and each of us has unique reasons for the choices we make.  But if your priorities clash with those of the team or if you constantly put yourself before the initiative, you may end up with a mutiny on your hands.

Being informed can help tremendously in achieving diplomacy.  Foresight and sagacity will make you look smart and polished in any setting.  Taking the time to research a request will save you a lot of second-guessing that rash decisions often causes.  Appearing to be fair and honest will also make you more approachable and increase the likelihood that you will get the required aid when you ask for it.

In many cases, diplomacy goes out the window at the first sign of a problem.  Perhaps mistakes were made.  It happens.  There is always margin for human error.  Fix the problem first.  If it was a biggie, you can lay blame and punish the guilty parties later.  The client doesn’t care if the snafu was made by Joe in Shipping or Mike in Inventory, they just want their stuff.  Moreover, if you are the one dealing with the issue, finger-pointing only makes you appear to be looking for a scapegoat.  Take responsibility.  Request forgiveness, correct the mishandling, and repair your relationship with the sufferer.  Then, when the panic is over, launch a full investigation if necessary.  If you make your policies – or those of your firm – known, there will be no need to make apologies and no surprises when you are required to enforce them. 

If you have to deliver unpleasant news, be tactful and allow the other person to digest what you’ve said.  Cracking jokes at the other person’s expense or trying to show sympathy by comparing their situation to your own is not going to help.  Pull off the Band Aid and don’t make excuses.  Dealing with unpleasantness is part of being a grown-up and lying or covering up the truth should never be an option.  If a person has made an error that needs to be remedied, tell them honestly and without witticisms, “I told you so”s, or personal attacks.  Confront the situation at hand and, unless this is a repeat offense or part of a pattern, resist the urge to bring into play every faux pas the offender has ever committed.  Identify the problem, recommend a resolution, administer spankings if necessary, and move on.  Letting issues build fosters hostility which can infiltrate a relationship and even an entire company.

Lastly, as our lunching ladies illustrated, being diplomatic can mean choosing your words carefully to potentially widen your audience.  Limiting cursing and keeping your stories to PG13 may mean you’re no longer the entertainment at happy hour, but it could get you invited to attend more industry events or gatherings in people’s homes.  And isn’t that nice… 

Of course, your thoughts are your own and you are entitled to your opinion, but how you choose to express (or not express) those feelings could potentially color how others see you. 

And we want everyone to think you’re fabulous!

Image © aldra/iStockphoto